She's so pretty; so calm, so collected and happy. I don't buy it. There's something there submerged that will eventually bubble up to the surface and blow up in my face. Just drop it, I won't sacrifice for you, won't compromise with you and most probably won't respect you. Although you will forcibly accept my resentment, contempt and possibly my pity. Sounds like a good time? No - of course not.
Think you can change me or wait for me to do so independently? Don't hold your breath, count me out for your bullshit psychology and strictly stop starting sentences with "you have to" or I will walk away at best.
Well then beautiful, welcoming and innocent simple smile I will have to see where you take me, because I can't resist your evil temptations. As much as I know it will go poorly, possibly destroying me emotionally and draining my ability to trust, I'm at your feet. Helpless and naive. Curiosity - worse! Weakness. Keep telling yourself it will be worth it someday and they can't all be the same. Hopeful and willing, more than that, pursuing and trying. For now.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
banishing the negativity
Tomorrow I am breaking up with her. I must, for her. It's been three months and I've known all along I wasn't going to love her. Now that I've written it I have to do it - no pussying out. That is the main reason I haven't written anything else about her, since the beginning it was doomed to fail and I went along with it. Poor girl. It went from a casual "come over" to a committed "relationship."
In every sense of the word it failed as a relationship, at least for me. I despised her friends, her choice in films, music, food. We disagreed on basic things, even on smoking and drinking there was no common ground. Worst of all though, was the fact that she had no hobbies, her life consisted of working, watching films ("trash" by her definition), and lots and lots of sleeping. No exchange of ideas, beliefs, thoughts or conceptions and when I tried to initiate anything that was a touch less than honky-dory she didn't want to explore it.
I let it slide, let it ALL slide. The ignorance, or commonly known in a less obnoxious way, lack of worldly knowledge. The sex - jesus - the sex at first was abysmal -> worse! It was mediocre. Worst of all, the negativity. She would go on about complaining about the way things are: her job, the weather, speed bumps in the road and when it would appear to change to what she had "wanted" she would complain about the change.
All that I let go to try and experience a "normal" relationship with a "normal" girl. Not as different as I first imagined, less sparks, for better and worse, mostly better if I could say in her defence. She would obey me in every way shape and form, not to say I was a dictator- HARDLY - but she was dead set in her aim to please me.
When she said it the first time, I ignored it and excused it to myself as an inexperienced girl's confusion of sex and love. The second time also, "she is being silly". Since then, she hasn't said it, but I can feel it from her more than ever, this intimate closeness, this admiration that I "can do no wrong". All I can think of is how the only thing I receive from her is sex. That's all it is was and all it will ever be for me, I just don't see her in that way. Never have, never will.
It is only merciful that this must end then, the uncomfortable nature of ending a relationship and the added uncertainty of sex in the near future is not enough to halt me from completing this task. I'm no martyr, at least to anyone else that is - but to myself... perhaps? I know where my intentions lie and based on those I can honestly say that it is time to end it, for her benefit and mine.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
"Wake up!" - I'm in a rush.
Focusing in on where I am. Uncomfortable benches, tall ceiling, busy people walking quickly back and forth. I look to my side and I see her. It's been over a year since we last spoke and just about three since I saw her. She appeared seemingly unchanged, that warm, understanding and accepting smile melts the cold embrace of waking up uncomfortable, thawing the deepest strains of my past experiences.
Just like old times.
Urgency in her tone, yet soothing to my ears. "Quickly! We're going to miss the plane!" I find a suitcase resting at my feet. Looks familiar enough. We start marching in a semi-panicked pace. In hindsight, I recall spotting a quasi-familiar face, an unwelcome and smug one at that. Then the penny drops - it's her current beau. Being the former gives all the satisfaction of watching your once-loved one embrace another.
Not questioning anything, I should've know. Apathetic about the destination, my heart drops to my ankles, throat arid and I realise - "I'm in my own worst nightmare."
Two days ago this was my dream, well, the one I remember. Wish I didn't and glad I do simultaneously.
Focusing in on where I am. Uncomfortable benches, tall ceiling, busy people walking quickly back and forth. I look to my side and I see her. It's been over a year since we last spoke and just about three since I saw her. She appeared seemingly unchanged, that warm, understanding and accepting smile melts the cold embrace of waking up uncomfortable, thawing the deepest strains of my past experiences.
Just like old times.
Urgency in her tone, yet soothing to my ears. "Quickly! We're going to miss the plane!" I find a suitcase resting at my feet. Looks familiar enough. We start marching in a semi-panicked pace. In hindsight, I recall spotting a quasi-familiar face, an unwelcome and smug one at that. Then the penny drops - it's her current beau. Being the former gives all the satisfaction of watching your once-loved one embrace another.
Not questioning anything, I should've know. Apathetic about the destination, my heart drops to my ankles, throat arid and I realise - "I'm in my own worst nightmare."
Two days ago this was my dream, well, the one I remember. Wish I didn't and glad I do simultaneously.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Prelude
"Come over," he said, "there are girls here that want to see you."
"What girls? Do I know them?"
"Nope, just some girls - come on!"
Reluctantly I caved to his request. Not because he asked - curiosity, intrigue and a little bit of boredom were my drinking buddies that night.
She comes over - seemingly very drunk and horny. Her pale skin damp and slightly shiny from the bar-sweat. Freckles. Red hair that goes on forever, like waves crashing on the shore endlessly. My interest was teased, tickled and by the end of the night her phone number was mine.
Smitten
We talked, laughed, shared and opened up to one another about ourselves. We kissed over and over again, satisfying our sexual tension from the last time's teaser. Perhaps too much so as we were left bare - not in skin, but in intimacy. As such, our relationship seemed to progress with lightning speed.
Confused - just as you let a shrapnel of light in...
But, there was something missing. Actually two things. First, it felt as though we couldn't hold a conversation without resorting to light petting to cover the overly-concious realisation that we don't match intellectually. It took me a while to figure out the second. Sex - there was none. It wasn't synchronising up - very intimate talks and touching, but... nothing, no progression.
Surprised
So I asked her, lo and behold she was a virgin in all manners of the word. An inexperienced, naive and most likely, scared girl. I wasn't totally taken by surprised, wasn't my first time around in this situation, but there was something different this time. I just didn't know what yet.
On the fence
These two obstacles stood firmly. Bothered me constantly and I kind of liked it - at first. I didn't think it would concern me as much as it does.
Now what?
"Come over," he said, "there are girls here that want to see you."
"What girls? Do I know them?"
"Nope, just some girls - come on!"
Reluctantly I caved to his request. Not because he asked - curiosity, intrigue and a little bit of boredom were my drinking buddies that night.
She comes over - seemingly very drunk and horny. Her pale skin damp and slightly shiny from the bar-sweat. Freckles. Red hair that goes on forever, like waves crashing on the shore endlessly. My interest was teased, tickled and by the end of the night her phone number was mine.
Smitten
We talked, laughed, shared and opened up to one another about ourselves. We kissed over and over again, satisfying our sexual tension from the last time's teaser. Perhaps too much so as we were left bare - not in skin, but in intimacy. As such, our relationship seemed to progress with lightning speed.
Confused - just as you let a shrapnel of light in...
But, there was something missing. Actually two things. First, it felt as though we couldn't hold a conversation without resorting to light petting to cover the overly-concious realisation that we don't match intellectually. It took me a while to figure out the second. Sex - there was none. It wasn't synchronising up - very intimate talks and touching, but... nothing, no progression.
Surprised
So I asked her, lo and behold she was a virgin in all manners of the word. An inexperienced, naive and most likely, scared girl. I wasn't totally taken by surprised, wasn't my first time around in this situation, but there was something different this time. I just didn't know what yet.
On the fence
These two obstacles stood firmly. Bothered me constantly and I kind of liked it - at first. I didn't think it would concern me as much as it does.
Now what?
Monday, May 9, 2011
Don't read
We're all just a bunch of idiots.
Then what's the point of it all?
Why do we expect reciprocation from our equals? It's not going to happen, it's not coming or just around the corner or any other bullshit that we force ourselves to believe.
Just like Slipknot say - People = Shit.
This façade we employ is just our coping method, to ignore this simple fact.
The worst thing is - everyone is equal. That means that the most screwed up individual you can come up with is just as good as yourself. No better. No worse.
So we buy into this hoax that you treat someone else as you would like to be treated yourself.
For what? Disappointment and grief.
We lose more than we win. Fact.
Think of all the opportunities you ever had in your life. Now consider those that you succeeded in. Statistical proof. So if we're "playing" to lose, why bother? Putting ourselves in harm's way repeatedly just for that off-chance that it will pan out. Try and make sense of that. On second thought - don't. Why would you? This contagious disease of dissecting these thoughts will not end well.
End.
Then what's the point of it all?
Why do we expect reciprocation from our equals? It's not going to happen, it's not coming or just around the corner or any other bullshit that we force ourselves to believe.
Just like Slipknot say - People = Shit.
This façade we employ is just our coping method, to ignore this simple fact.
The worst thing is - everyone is equal. That means that the most screwed up individual you can come up with is just as good as yourself. No better. No worse.
So we buy into this hoax that you treat someone else as you would like to be treated yourself.
For what? Disappointment and grief.
We lose more than we win. Fact.
Think of all the opportunities you ever had in your life. Now consider those that you succeeded in. Statistical proof. So if we're "playing" to lose, why bother? Putting ourselves in harm's way repeatedly just for that off-chance that it will pan out. Try and make sense of that. On second thought - don't. Why would you? This contagious disease of dissecting these thoughts will not end well.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Just talk
Happiness
The timeless question - What makes me happy?
To me, it's people. Ones that make you smile, make you giggle uncontrollably, that for some reason just being around them make you feel better, or in extraordinary cases, feel more like yourself. I am fortunate enough to possess such people.
I seek it.
The so-called "click", chemistry, love at first sight, not the love that you see in films or read about in fairy-tales. The connection you make that surprises you when you realise it. Feels like divine intervention. As if you were put on this earth to encounter this otherwise pedestrian-looking individual.
It doesn't require anything, don't need common ground, similar background, comparable uprising, nothing parallel at all between the two of you. Yet, this celestial sensation is signalling you to under-no-circumstance let this pass you by. The feeling you get when you talk yourself out of talking to the hot girl at the supermarket is the realisation that you could've missed out.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take - Wayne Gretzky.
The crazy thing is - we don't allow ourselves to encounter these magical connections. We avoid it. To sit next to someone on the bus and just feel better because they are around. To feel free, to feel "it." Why do we deny ourselves of one of our most sought-after desires?
I've yet to hear an answer that isn't fear or fear-related.
Fear - Unacceptable
The timeless question - What makes me happy?
To me, it's people. Ones that make you smile, make you giggle uncontrollably, that for some reason just being around them make you feel better, or in extraordinary cases, feel more like yourself. I am fortunate enough to possess such people.
I seek it.
The so-called "click", chemistry, love at first sight, not the love that you see in films or read about in fairy-tales. The connection you make that surprises you when you realise it. Feels like divine intervention. As if you were put on this earth to encounter this otherwise pedestrian-looking individual.
It doesn't require anything, don't need common ground, similar background, comparable uprising, nothing parallel at all between the two of you. Yet, this celestial sensation is signalling you to under-no-circumstance let this pass you by. The feeling you get when you talk yourself out of talking to the hot girl at the supermarket is the realisation that you could've missed out.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take - Wayne Gretzky.
The crazy thing is - we don't allow ourselves to encounter these magical connections. We avoid it. To sit next to someone on the bus and just feel better because they are around. To feel free, to feel "it." Why do we deny ourselves of one of our most sought-after desires?
I've yet to hear an answer that isn't fear or fear-related.
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