Butterfly wing

Unbelievable really, how everything affects us. What we read, eat, smell, the temperature or even what other people are feeling. As I write this I am feeling such a mixture of emotions.


Wind whistling through the window, cat purring on my lap and just got done with a quick and far painless emotional self-torture. Confidence, awareness of the lack of awareness, the will to explore things that are otherwise far too frightening to expose. Hurrah for emotional masochism. This probably seems like utter nonsense as I've not slept in a while and my face is not doing the typing for me thanks to caffeine.


Scariest thing is coming to realisation, everything is motivated by fear. Don't want to believe it - first stage: denial. Oh how spectacularly proficient I am at this, to conceal the anguish of survival. I do mean survival, powering through the sadness, anger, confusion. Feeling distant, alone, misunderstood to those around you and to yourself. Having the rug pulled under your feet consistently, to the point where you want to cling on to those things which are constant, but are too afraid they will be taken away. That's the worst, the reason why it's easier to open up to a complete stranger rather than to those who are close to you. The problem being, of course, that once you open up to them they are no longer a stranger.


So I move on, peddle the fake sense of intimacy to those victims I choose to bear this cross, initially selfishly, but far too quickly do I find myself attached to them, my brethren, my biggest weakness. Whom without I cannot get out of bed, let alone function or be "satisfied" with my existence. I am happy when I am helping, teaching, instructing, bestowing knowledge useless or otherwise. Seeing a smile which reads you helped me overcome is the biggest satisfaction I can get.


It's not about being right, rather knowing that thanks to me, they could do it. Imagine my elation when after reading through these unnamed pieces of me, my own mother learned something about herself. Perhaps I misunderstood, but just feeling that I contributed to her regardless of our relationship.


The feeling is gorgeous.