banishing the negativity

Tomorrow I am breaking up with her. I must, for her. It's been three months and I've known all along I wasn't going to love her. Now that I've written it I have to do it - no pussying out. That is the main reason I haven't written anything else about her, since the beginning it was doomed to fail and I went along with it. Poor girl. It went from a casual "come over" to a committed "relationship."

In every sense of the word it failed as a relationship, at least for me. I despised her friends, her choice in films, music, food. We disagreed on basic things, even on smoking and drinking there was no common ground. Worst of all though, was the fact that she had no hobbies, her life consisted of working, watching films ("trash" by her definition), and lots and lots of sleeping. No exchange of ideas, beliefs, thoughts or conceptions and when I tried to initiate anything that was a touch less than honky-dory she didn't want to explore it.

I let it slide, let it ALL slide. The ignorance, or commonly known in a less obnoxious way, lack of worldly knowledge. The sex - jesus - the sex at first was abysmal -> worse! It was mediocre. Worst of all, the negativity. She would go on about complaining about the way things are: her job, the weather, speed bumps in the road and when it would appear to change to what she had "wanted" she would complain about the change.

All that I let go to try and experience a "normal" relationship with a "normal" girl. Not as different as I first imagined, less sparks, for better and worse, mostly better if I could say in her defence. She would obey me in every way shape and form, not to say I was a dictator- HARDLY - but she was dead set in her aim to please me.

When she said it the first time, I ignored it and excused it to myself as an inexperienced girl's confusion of sex and love. The second time also, "she is being silly". Since then, she hasn't said it, but I can feel it from her more than ever, this intimate closeness, this admiration that I "can do no wrong". All I can think of is how the only thing I receive from her is sex. That's all it is was and all it will ever be for me, I just don't see her in that way. Never have, never will.

It is only merciful that this must end then, the uncomfortable nature of ending a relationship and the added uncertainty of sex in the near future is not enough to halt me from completing this task. I'm no martyr, at least to anyone else that is - but to myself... perhaps? I know where my intentions lie and based on those I can honestly say that it is time to end it, for her benefit and mine.