Don't... please

Being a hero or doing something heroic is subject to bias. It has to be.
Sometimes being an asshole is the most heroic and thoughtful thing to do.


Sigh.


This girl, she drove me to the edge of  my everything: patience, sanity, ecstasy, intimacy and countless others.
"I can't believe I could live without her"
This was said on 2 occasions, when it was good and after the post-breakup bad ended. Never thought I would.


It was chemical, atomic even the attraction - physical and emotional. We were both damaged and needed each other.  Co-dependency you can call it. I needed to give and she, well she needed a lot, most of which I could give her. Alas, young love is doomed to fail, lack of real world experience (read: real is not used sarcastically) or whatever other reason.


"If we only met at a different time"
Ugh, this makes me visibly ill to even write. Worst of the excuses for failed relationships.


Week on, week off as we broke up and made up almost simultaneously and that kept it going, filled some desperate disfigured need for adrenaline and not for support. When that phase was over, there was a brief 2 month radio silence where the silence of the night was not calm, but frantic with thoughts, feelings and the almost incurable desire to share them with her.


Some mighty impressive self restraint -eventually - and she calls. I am cold, rude and unappreciative of her effort - thank god. This was followed by a lot of self destructive behaviour on my and her behalf.


I like to believe I was being an asshole for both of our sake's, but a part of me thinks I was protecting myself and my ego from shattering repeatedly. Either way, had it not been for that incident, this long overdue end to a relationship that was once like a pair of wings lifting up both to bigger and better things and now was more like a swamp of infinite sorrow and grief would not have occurred - this way at least.


I'm glad it did.